A Travellerspoint blog

Nicauragua (Kerry's email, friend and travel companion)

hello from nicaragua


hope all is well with you all at home. the internet sucks here, so this will be quick. we're having a great time in nicaragua. the people are so nice and the weather is beautiful. we're at the beach now, after a day in the colonial city of granada. spent some time at the nearby volcano and rain forest. very nice.
the first night we arrived, after going out all night in san francisco and straight to the airport at 4am, we arrived at our hotel called el club, which acutally had pretty good reviews on the internet and looked nice. el club is literally a club, like a nightclub. they were bumping american hip hop and the hotel lobby (our room was right there as there were only 10 rooms in a courtyard with the club and bar in the center, we were literally sleeping in a nightclub). of course we had to go get a drink as sleep was impossible. it was so funny. we met some nice nicaraguans, as it was all nicaraguans at the club, then passed out til morning, in spite of 50 cent blaring in our bedroom.
in granada we had breakfast with two 10 year old nicaraugans who were so smart and so nice. they were working shining shoes for tourists, which is kind of ridiculous considering it's 95 degrees and everyones wearing flip flops, not shinable shoes. they were trying to make money to buy shoes and paper so they could go to school (they grew out of their shoes and had to drop out), as they are not allowed in school with out shoes (pardon my language, but i think it's fucking ridiculous to deprive 10 year old children of free education because they can't afford shoes, keeps the poor poor). of course we ended up getting these kids shoes and notebooks, which cost like $5 and spent the day with them and learned a lot about nicaragua. sad to leave them.

we're in montelimar, a beach city now at a resort type place. for some reason, sarah and i both woke up at 5am this morning and couldn't go back to sleep so we walked on the beach, watched the sunrsie and picked mangos off the trees. the beach is beautiful. the hotel is huge and has a great beach but there are few people here. there are definitley more staff than tourists. this whole country doestn seem to have many tourists. there are no other hotels on the two miles of beach weve walked on. it's great for us, but not so great for the nicaraguan economy.
sarah joined an arobics class by the pool this moring with 6 staff members, herself, and two fat tourists. she ran faster than i've ever seen to join them. for those of you who know scollard, you can imagine. i think that was the highlight of her trip so far.
we're now just chilling, drinking rum out of coconuts and hanging out.
there are very few gringos here, though we met some ex patriots in granada. we had a dutch guy whos been living here for 8 years take us to the volcano and tell us about how he killed someone. he was really weird. a few other dutch people actually and an american couple running a combined waffle house and real estate company, random.

okay, i realize this is not actually brief, so if you have read all of this, i love you.
talk to you soon,

Posted by bjmorris14 09:39 Comments (0)

Living in Tennessee - "observations"

More Tennessee Stories- Read this one last!!!


1) Mr. Yankers The Coyote Head
One day we went to a baseball game with judge where I met two of Tara's good friends- John and Felicia- a married couple. John and Felicia are some of the coolest people you will ever meet- they are like a Berkeley version of Tennessee, complete with the knack for hanging out with wierdos and the great Southern accent.
Felicia was raised in a super hick town smack dab in the middle of the country! Her relatives were cotton pickers (she was born in the first generation of her family that didn't have to pick cotton). Felicia was raised in a Pennacostal Church-going family (a Pennacostal Church is a site I never got to see, but I hear its really great!)
A Pennacostal Church is basically Christianity meets VooDoo. The Church members feel so connected to God in there that they start fainting and falling down in the aisles. My favorite piece of information I learned about the Pennacostals was the answer to my question about why they have snakes in their church. Turns out that in the Pennacostal religion, if you see a rattlesnake and it doesn't bite you, that is a message from God that lets you know that God is so powerful, the rattlesnake won't bite you, so you should take it in (like your own child or something) because it won't bite you and even if you do, you are immune to the venom. The great thing about this gift from God, is that it doesn't always work out and I heard that quite a few people have been killed when God's gift doesn't come through and they have the snake but it turns out they are not immune to the venom. What a revelation! That sounds like a Church I have to join!
Back to the Felicia and John story… John told me that he calls Felicia's family a "FAMILY TRUNK," instead of a family tree because some of them decided to look no further than their own family when they decided it was time to start their own family. I guess Felicia got lucky because she is gorgeous, and so cool. She's the best hairdresser in Jackson and her hair is always a different color, and it looks great in every shade- orange, pink, blonde and blue. She likes having blue hair the best, but blue hair is no longer a feasible option now that she is married to an attorney.
Felicia and John have a child, only he is not your ordinary child. Their "child," is a 31 year old named Matt with a child of his own. MATT is QUITE A CHARACTER!!!! My categorization of someone as "quite a character" is quite an exquisite title coming from someone who grew up in Berkeley and use to spend her afternoons sitting on the corner of Telegraph and Bancroft, talking to the local homeless and crazies, just for fun. Matt isn't really their child, he has just been a friend of John's for a very long time.
Matt is the son of a congressman that is about to become a senator. He has done so many drugs in his life that he isn't exactly what you would call, "ALL THERE." He is the poster child of the "THIS IS YOUR BRAIN, THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS" commercial from the 80s (remember the one with the fried egg)…So, John and Felicia are cool enough to let Matt live in their house rent free. They do this partly because they are good people and partly because it makes their lives more interesting (I can relate to that).
There are so many good stories about Matt, I don't know where to begin but at a classic Matt story- the one about MR. YANKERS. Awhile ago, Matt had a job (until he got fired). He worked for some sort of agricultural organization and while at work one day, he came across a dead coyote. Being the character that he is, Matt decided to go get an axe, and chop off the coyote's head. It took him 17 swings to get the coyote's head off the body.
Then Matt brought the head back to John and Felicia's house and was about to start cooking it in a Crock Pot in the kitchen (you know, to accomplish what you would normally do when you came home with a coyote's head to get all the meat off it so you could keep the skull). Unfortunately, Matt's plan didn't exactly go through as planned because Felicia came home, and being the strict VEGITARIAN that she is, she wasn't thrilled about having a freshly chopped off coyote head in her crock pot cooking in her kitchen.
So, when Felicia refused to let Matt cook the coyote head in the kitchen, Matt did what every normal acid-cocaine-vicodin addict would do- bury it in the backyard and wait for the meat to disinigrate so that he could keep the skull. Apparently he dug up the head several times before it was "ready," so he had to bury it again.
On Father's Day this year, Matt invited his daughter over (yeah, he has an 8 year old daughter- scary but true) and they dug up the coyote head together as a father's day activity. Not your normal father's day activity, but I guess different types of activities "float your boat," when your dad is someone as strange as Matt.
Unfortunately I never got to meet Matt in person. We went over to John and Felicia's house several times and waited for Matt to come home, but he never did, even though Felicia told him some hot Cali girls were waiting for him. I also got his digits and called him and had several interactions with him, which turned out to be some of my fondest memories of my time in Tennessee, but we never could meet up.
I guess its totally understandable when your schedule is that jammed packed when you are unemployed (if you are Matt that is), I mean for christ's sake, Matt's got coyote heads to dig up and jumping spiders to deal with (that story is coming up). Anyways, when I talked to Matt on the phone and tried to touch bases with him so we could get some quality time together, I was so interested in getting more information on his coyote head, that I think he perceived me as a threat- someone that might steal his coyote head.
So, we were suppose to meet up, but it took me about 30 minutes to establish where he was and what he was doing. Once we got that down, we had to get a location. Matt wasn't going home that night, he was going to his friends' hair shop. So he invited Tara and I to his hair shop and told us that he could blow dry our hair for us (keep in mind we have never met him before and there was no indication that my hair was wet at the time we were talking).
He also volunteered to cut our hair for us. Yeah right buddy, I'm really going to let some egg brain who chops off coyote's heads and digs them up with his daughter on Father's Day cut my hair. Sure. Even if Matt was the last person on earth with a scissors and I was in prison in Haiti and my hair was down to my feet and infested with lice and other bugs, I wouldn't let him cut my hair.
When I asked Matt about his coyote head and if he could bring it he said, "oh, Mr. Yankers. I don't know if I can bring him but I'll see what I can do. You know, I'm not going to give him to you." Ok buddy, I'm not looking to take your coyote head, I just want to see it.
"Plus, I'm not done bleaching it yet, its not ready yet" he said. So I told him I didn't want to take his head (so he wouldn't perceive me as a threat), I told him I had never seen a coyote skull before and I wanted to see it. That's when his bright brain lit up and responded, "well, why don't you just look at one on the internet."
Thanks Matt, but I want to see it in person I said. Even Judge knows about Matt (since he's friends with Matt's parents and John use to be Judge's law clerk), he's the one that told me that my trip to Tennessee couldn't be complete without meeting John.
Even though I never got to meet Matt, I did get to see his room. One night when Tara and I were over at their house, waiting, hoping and praying for Matt to come home, Felicia said, "well, sorry Matt's not here but I can show you his room if you want." IT was like a display at the zoo. I felt like Felicia was saying, "the animal is not here right now, but I can show you his habitat if you want." So I did get to see his habitat, and the place where the coyote head had been buried in the backyard before it was dug up, but I never did get to meet Matt or Mr. Yankers in person. Felicia took pictures of us on her camera and showed them to Matt, and although he was real juiced to meet us, I guess he just couldn't fit us in.
Matt had seen Tara running awhile back and said to John, "I saw your friend Barbara Streisand running today. Maybe I should give her a call." Yeah, I'm sure she would go for you, John thought in his head. The funny thing is that he wasn't just insinuating that he thought Tara looks like Barbara Streisand (although she doesn't), he was just stating it. Knowing Matt, he probably thought that Tara was Barbara Streisand…
Another classic Matt story involving animals is that when their house was infested with brown recluse spiders, Matt came up with the perfect solution. He went out and got some jumping spiders, because jumping spiders are suppose to kill brown recluse spiders, and he was about to let them lose in the house when Felicia found out about it and said HELL NO!!! Since she is not a big spider fan she was lucky she caught him before they were let lose. So, Matt still convinced her to let him let the spiders lose in his room, so he did.
A few days later, Felicia hired an exterminator to come kill the spiders in the house, and even though she promised Matt she wouldn't hurt his jumping spiders, she let the exterminator into his room anyways and he killed the spiders (all of them, the exterminator can't discriminate between species). Matt came home later, and noticed his jumping spiders were missing and asked Felicia, "did you let the exterminator in my room? THEY KILLED MY JUMPING SPIDERS!!!"
"Sorry, I guess," Felicia responded. I wish I would have been there.
The whole experience reminded me of my own reality TV version of Napolean Dynamite. Matt was Napolean, and Tara and I were the girl in the Barbizon photograph in the movie, you know the one that Napolean said was his girlfriend. Matt's dad was Pedro (VOTE for PEDRO) since he is running for Senator, and he has someone like Matt to back him up (his version of Napolean), he's sure to win!

I'm sad to leave Tennessee, but at least I'm not leaving empty handed. I have built up quite a collection while I was here. The other night before bed I was looking through all the stuff I bought and since we didn't have a TV in our room in Destin, Florida where we were for the 4 th of July, I decided to set up a shrine with all my goods- here is what they are (in random order)…
1. 2 Cans of Canned Opossum Parts- this is no joke ladies and gents. They passed a law a few years ago in Tennessee that made Jay Leno- the Tennessee folk decided that it was necessary to make sure that you could keep your own ROADKILL!!! And as a result, if you hit an animal, you can keep it. So, I went into the Old Country Store in Jackson and bought myself 2 cans of "canned opossum parts." The can reads, "served best with RC Cola and a Moon Pie."
2. 1 Moon Pie- I know I can get the RC Cola at home, but my opossum parts snack wouldn't be the same without following the directions on the can and I had never seen a moon pie in Cali.
3. 2 License Plates that Read, "Jesus Loves You: Good For Life." I think that one is self-explanatory.
4. 1 Bumper Sticker that Reads, "Get Out of Hell Free," with a picture of Jesus. Stuff like this is part of what persuaded me to drop $19 in the Bible Factory Outlet.
5. 1 CD- "Worship Extreme, God's Greatest Hits," this item tries to portray God as the end all, be all American Idol for the young Christian Teen.
6. 1 Copy of VIP Jackson- a magazine for all those socialites in Jackson, Tennessee (you can't make the front cover if you're not married, but that's ok…)
7. 1 Elvis Sun Shade (for my Mercedes)- my Dad keeps telling me to get a sunshade to protect the interior of my car, and this scene of Elvis on a beach that I got at Graceland is just perfect! Also, there is no better backdrop to my Tennessee shrine than this.
8. 1 Copy of "How to Date God," on video- the Bible Factory Outlet was a goldmine!
9. 1 Copy of "The Passion Button, How to Have Sex Like a Christian," I use to have 2 copies of each video, but Tara was such a good host, I had to give her my extra copy of both- plus, how is she going to live in Tennessee without this type of knowledge?
10. A few "FASHIONED BY GOD," Postcards- the picture on the front says it all!
11. 1 Wristband that reads, "God's Word, SOAK IT UP-" I made Tara wear hers with me almost everyday so that we could each get good use out of the $8 I shelled out for those things.
12. 1 Bottle of Special Edition Jack Daniels- I don't like Jack but it won a gold medal and the bottle looked cool at the Jack Daniels Distillery.
13. 2 Jack Daniels Shot Glasses
14. 4 Lynchburg Lemonade Mason Jars
15. 1 Diamond Jaxx Mousepad, 1 page of Diamond Jaxx Tattoos, 1 Diamond Jaxx Tote Bag & 1 Diamond Jaxx Picture Frame- the ladies at work gave me all these great souvenirs on my last day at the courthouse, it was SO cute!!!! I love them!
16. 1 Magnet that Reads, "FAT PEOPLE ARE HARDER TO KIDNAP." I found this magnet at a gas station in the middle of Alabama "Bama," as they call it around here. The gas register was closed, but I left some extra bucks, when I saw that magnet, I decided I wasn't leaving the store without it, I didn't care if I didn't get my change. WHO IN THE F—K Thought of THAT SLOGAN???? I mean, the only thing that comes to mind is that it must have been a kidnapper in Bama who thought of it. Weird, huh?
17. 1 Magnet that Reads, "Lord, if you can't make my skinny, then make my friends fat." Sorry, but the first part is just plain old not going to happen in the South. When you don't eat anything that isn't either (A) FRIED –or- (B) COOKED WITH PORK FAT- I doubt that you are ever going to be skinny. These people fry EVERYTHING. At the baseball game, they even sell "fried bread." Come on, are these people kidding. In California, you are lucky to get someone to eat a piece of non-wheat bread, let alone FRIED bread!! What is the point of frying bread? The second part of the magnet is a little more plausible, "then make my friends fat." Well, if your friends live in the South and eat (A) and/or (B) like a good Southern person, I guess you have that part of the magnet granted by the Lord.
18. 1 Bucksnort T-Shirt that Reads, "There once was a man named Buck, who made moonshine. People would come by for a snort, hence the name, Bucksnort." I think I referred to this t-shirt in earlier emails… its going to be one of my favorites at home. Visiting a town named Bucksnort at the beginning of my trip was a great introduction. Tara really knew how to ease me in the right way- by stopping at the Bucksnort gas station. When you wear the T-shirt around Tennessee- as we did many times, u are making a statement because there are only 2 things in Bucksnort. (1) A Gas Station, (2) An Adult Video Store, and everyone knows that.
19. 1 American Flag Print DOO-RAG- that's right friends, I am now the proud owner of a doo-rag. For those of you that don't know what a doo-rag is, don't feel bad- I didn't know what a doo-rag was either until I got to Tennessee. Apparently, a doo-rag is part of one of the 4 main hairstyles I identified, shortly after arriving here. IT is the fake mullet look that you wear under your Harley helmet. I went to the SUPER WAL-MART on the 4 th of July so that I could support the enterprise like the rest of the people around here and feel like a GOOD AMERICAN. I'm happy to finally have a doo-rag (and don't worry, we got photos with our doo-rags- we look HOT!), but I do feel a little cheated. The tail on my doo-rag (u know the mullet part I have been referring to), is not NEARLY as long as many of the doo-rags I've seen around this state. I realize that I bought my doo-rag at Wal-Mart, but COME ON, couldn't they just be a little more generous on the tail on the rag. Oh well, at least I own a doo-rag.
20. 1 Hat that Reads, "Proud to be a (and a picture of a donkey with an American Flag." I guess that a donkey is the symbol of the Democratic Party. I bought this hat because I was looking for one more like Tara's that says "Proud to Be an American," so that I could fit in on the 4 th with all these American crazed folks… but I guess they were sold out so I had to settle for this dumb hat. The funny thing is that all the Republican Versions of the hat (with the Republic elephant symbol) were SOLD OUT. I mean, you could not find 1 in the entire WAL-MART Supercenter- and I even asked if they had any in the back- but they didn't. But LUCKY for me, there was a plethora of the Democratic version copy left AND it was on sale (I guess nobody wanted it but me-)
21. 1 MP3 Version of the Song, "SAVE A HORSE, RIDE A COWBOY…" Now I will tell you that I paid $.99 on I-tunes to download Redneck Woman because the words are amusing, but I will admit that the $.99 I paid for "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy," was because I liked the song. Country Music was always the one type of music I NEVER liked, until now (maybe its because it was as far as you can get from the TuPac I grew up around). "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy," is what changed my mind. If I was having a "calling towards country music," I would say that this was the song that lured me in. It's actually a good song in my opinion. It's so good, that Tara and I can't get it out of our heads!
22. 1 MP3 Version of "Redneck Woman," my favorite line, which Tara pointed out to me is, "Victoria Secret, their stuffs real nice, but I can buy the same damn thing on the Walmart shelf half-price, and still look sexy, just as sexy as those models on TV, no I don't need no designer tag to make my man want me. You might think I'm trashy, a little too hard core, but in my neck of the woods I'm just a girl next door. I'm a Red Neck Woman, I ain't no high class broad, I'm just a product of my raising, I say, "hey y'all," and "hee-hah"." What a classic!!!!!!!!
23. 1 T-Shirt that Reads, "Milwakee Vibrator, Alabama," with a picture of a woman on a motorcycle on the front. I thought it was funny, and it was only $4, so I said, "why not?"
24. 1 Swiss Army Knife- the judge gave it to me on the last day. I know its not funny, but isn't that sweet? I love it!
25. 1 Set of Digits- I plan to keep Matt's digits "(the guy with the coyote head Mr. Yankers) so that I can crank call him once a week. I don't care if I'm 24, crank calling is still fun and necessary, especially when you come across the digits of someone who plans his life around a coyote skull!
26. Knowledge about the Church of Christ- I met many people that grew up Church of Christ and then converted, but that will have to be a separate email all together. To make it short and sweet- I could never be a Church of Christ member because not only do I drink occasionally, but I can't stop dancing! Church of Christ members can't dance OR listen to music. And since I can't even sit down without dancing (like for example I'm on a plane but I'm listening to my IPod and dancing in my seat)- I think they would kick me out pretty quickly….
27. LOTS OF GOOD MEMORIES- I mean living in Tennessee was like studying abroad- it was that much fun. Tara was GREAT!!! What a SISTER!!! I mean I couldn't have asked for a better friend, tour guide, The Simple Life Partner (that's what we felt like- only we did cooler things and were funnier than Paris and Nicole), driver, and boot camp instructor (when it was 6pm, I was napping and she wanted to go to the gym- just kidding, I'm glad she woke me up!!!) I love meeting all sorts of different people and learning about their customs- especially if they involve Road Kill and Snake Charmers, so Tennessee was quite a "hoot." I would recommend it to anyone (Mississippi, Arkansas, and Alabama on the other hand are places that you could live without in my opinion- unless of course you are looking to marry a redneck in a John Deere T-shirt who sells ceiling fans for a living).

In Tennessee you rarely meet people with regular names like Joe. Instead, parents here think that names like Joe Ted are more appropriate. I don't quite understand the logic behind the names. My theory is that parents think that the longer the name, the more important their kid will become. However, I don't think that philosophy works for everyone. Joe Ted is a great example. Joe Ted is a fellow I met working at the Federal courthouse. He was a security officer AND a janitor. He was one of the most annoying people I have ever met. Almost everyday, at around 4:40, when all the law clerks were in their offices, trying to wrap their work up, Joe Tedd would come around and start up a conversation on the most meaningless topic you could think of.
The first day I met him, he barged into my office and started giving me a timeline of his eating and exercise habits throughout his life, from the time he was a young boy until now (he's in his 60s). Sorry JOE TED, maybe your mom doubled up your name, so it would take longer to say and people would take you more seriously, but I don't think it worked. I don't exactly look forward to spending the last 20 minutes of my workday listening to your eating habits and dietary restrictions OR having a 15 minute conversation about how you are going to take out my trash. Please, just take the trash out and leave me alone. You should drop the extra name and go by plain old "JOE," if it will bring you back down to earth so I don't have to hear you talk anymore.

Posted by bjmorris14 09:31 Comments (0)

Summer in Tennesse - Entry 6 Holy Tea

The Holy Tea

I'm sure you have all heard about how life in "The Bible Belt" differs from life in California, especially on Wednesdays and Sundays. Now, when someone here asks you if you are "going out on Wednesday night," they are not talking Kips (although my gut reaction is- NO-people on "go out" on Tuesdays and Thursdays, come on now...)
So today we went out to lunch (at Asia Garden, for those who are interested- the funny thing I learned is that I wouldn't really recommend going to eat Chinese food in a town that you have been living in for a month without seeing 1 Asian person of any kind, let alone a Chinese person). On our way into the resturant, I noticed a sign on the store next to ASIA GARDEN that read WE SELL HOLY TEA.
Now, I knew it was going to be good in the Holy Tea store, but I held back my temptations until after lunch. Then, when the Judge and our co-workers were checking out the massage chair in the Asia Garden, Tara and I asked if we could check out the Holy Tea nextdoor.
So, we walked in the store to ask about the Holy Tea, only to find the most frightening man ever (and I mean ever, I have lived in Berkeley my whole life so I know my crazies, but this man was scary...) He told us that "only holy people can see that sign," and tried to sell us the tea for $30 for 8 tea bags. I was scared out of my mind, this guy was like a ghost. He tried to make us sit down and watch a video on Holy Tea Bags, but we told him our Judge (who
everyone knows around here) was waiting. He tried to get us to come back after work.
Yeah buddy, I'm really going to come back after work to learn about "Holy Tea Bags." He told me that they cure polio and showed me a girl on cruches coming into his store and said she had polio. Like I
care!!!! Look at me you idiot, do I look like I have POLIO? Or do I look like I need Holy Tea, I think I'm doing fine as is. I would have bought your tea if it was $1-2 bucks just as a joke.... Anyways, he was quite a CATCH!
For those of you interested in the law, our Judge was on the plane the other day with Justice Stevens from the Supreme Court and we got some low down info on the SC! I thought that was pretty cool, also Judge has a friend who he thinks is on the short list for the next Supreme Court Justice, and O'Connor just retired! Cool, huh?
I have SO much more to write, about the Holy Tea, and about other crazy things here (including a guy named Matt, whose father is a Congressman, soon to be senator, that chops of Coyotes heads, brings them home and tries to cook them in crok pots, but that story will have to wait because its my last day here and I'm leaving work in 10

I don't want to leave Tennessee!!!


Posted by bjmorris14 11:25 Comments (0)

Summer in Tennessee - Entry 5 Dusty the Viagra Salesman

The Amish, Dusty the Viagra Salesman, the Bible Outlet Store, and the Missis

DUSTY, the Viagra Salesman. If I could only use one phrase to describe my Mississippi experience, I think it would be- you dust em Dusty!



Last Saturday was quite an interesting time. I started my morning with a kind of getting to know you session with none other- than my favorite peeps in the streets- THE AMISH. That's right friends, we got up Saturday morning, and went to the Farmer's Market here in Jackson where I almost had a heart attack when I got to see the Amish, live and in action, selling cow's milk and other dairy products straight from the cow's utters. I was so excited about their fresh milk, ice cream, cheese and jam, I think I spent more money at their stand than they had seen all day. Even the plain 2% milk was SOOOO good! I had never had milk in glass bottles before. I also bought some green tomatoes because I had always wanted to try them.

We spent all Saturday hangin at the house and getting ready for one big night out in MISSISSIPPI. We were headed towards Tunica, Mississippi. All I have to say about Tunica is that VEGAS IS VEGAS, and NO imitations should be accepted. When I went to the website and heard the song that went "The Best Time of Your Life, Is Waiting For You IN Tunica, Baby Tunica...." I should have known right then and there. But no, I trusted the ads. I thought that since Tunica claimed to be the 3rd largest gaming place in the country, that it would at least be fun.

Well folks, I'm lucky I can have fun ANYWHERE (even in the library, that's why I'm in law school), and so Tunica did not turn out SO bad, BUT I should have known when someone told us that it was LITERALLY in the middle of cotton fields and that it used to be the 3rd poorest city in a REALLY SHITTY state (and I mean that, Tennessee is cool and all, but I can't say the same about Mississippi).

So, thinking we were headed to a Vegas-esque place, Tara and I get dressed up, and drive to Tunica. The moment we stepped into what was supposedly THE BEST CASINO THERE, I mean ask anyone in Jackson and they will tell you its REALLY NICE. BULLSHIT! Needless to say, we weren't exactly in the Bellagio.

Basically, Tunica is SUCH a classy establishment, that Tara and I, being the only cute girls in the entire city (meaning, neither of us have parents that were related and we don't look inbred), everyone there thought we were prostitutes. No joke.

At first it was kind of funny, all these old men with bellies down to their knees, trying to strike a conversation. The best part is that when they would finally get around to asking us what we do and I said, "Tara is a lawyer, and I'm a law student," they would leave us alone.

I mean EVERYONE was starring at us. Tara and I in Tunica was basically the equivalent of putting an inbred redneck with a mullet in the high rollers room at the Bellagio, and observing people's reactions.

So, after eating dinner, we hit the tables. At least I could play Blackjack, even if everyone thought I was just doing it to get closer to the hotrods who thought they could take me home. After awhile, things started to get a little regular, that is until my knight in shining armor (yeah, TEVAS and all) came along...

DON"T worry, I added the pic of us with Dusty again in case you forgot what he looks like!!! (Joey if u are reading this, I WISH you were there, Dusty was RIGHT up your alley- I wanted to give him your digits, but "I didn't have time...)

DUSTY! duh da na nuh! His presence requires bells, even if they are just over the internet. So, Dusty is someone that a fellow Berkeley High student of mine would say "GOT GAME!!!" He came up to us at the tables, Tevas on feet, and more $100 chips than anyone in the entire casino. Dusty was about our age and what you might call- socially challenged.

His game began when he started talking to us, almost shaking the entire time. And I talked back, not because I thought he was cool, but because I was bored out of my mind and he looked entertaining. He started off by telling us how much money he made (a lot), that he drives a Corvette, that his Dad is a Cardiologist AND a dentist (so he
has one up on my Dad), and that he flew there on an airplane. WOW!!!!

I just kept thinking to myself- You have ALL THAT JAZZ and you are STILL WEARING TEVAS and in need of some SERIOUS plastic surgery & Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. But hey, we didn't have anything else to do or anyone else to talk to.

After he kept going on about his salary, I asked what he did. He said, "I knew you were going to ask that." Yeah, you idiot. You spend 10 minutes telling us how loaded u are and you think we aren't going to ask what you do.
"I sell Viagra." Ok, cool. Is this like the hairclub for men, where the commercial says, "I'm not only the president, but I'm also a client." Apparently Dusty's fam has accumulated lots of money in the Viagra company, and they want Dusty to take over one day. Talk about family connections, huh?

Then after awhile I wasn't winning money, and Dusty was really enjoying our company. I told him I didn't know how to play craps, but I wanted to learn how. So, Dusty said he would teach us how to play craps (perfect because I
wanted to learn how to play, but couldn't exactly afford the fast paced nature of the game with the amount of money I had)- so he did. And man did he look happy standing with us. Things were cool until I rolled the dice and he kept calling me BABY. It was so funny, I just laughed.

Things were getting real steamy in the casino (just kidding) when Dusty's Dad came to save the day. Apparently, the entire casino was not alone in thinking we were prostitutes, Dusty's father must have thought the same because he came up to us and said, "I'm Dusty's father. Is there a problem, do you girls need something."

No BUSTER, sorry that we happen to be the only cute girls in the entire city, we thought we were coming someplace nice so we dressed nice, and as a LAST resort, we are talking to your son because he's so pathetic that its amusing and we've always wanted to learn how to play craps on someone else's tab. JEZ, is that too much to ask for?

So, that was the end of our time with Dusty. 2 Things that made me mad about being cut off from Dusty were (1) He was suppose to take us to an electronics convention in the hotel where he was going to use all his gambling points to buy us some GEAR and (2) The only bad part about it is that I had lost $50 earlier playing Blackjack, and when Dusty offered to give me money (literally just for talking to him in the casino I guess cause he was so lame), I said no thanks. Now I'm wondering why I didn't just take it. I mean, everyone thought that we were prostiutes anyways. I might as well just have gotten some "money for nothin..." But don't worry, that came later.

After Dusty's Dad cut us off, we tried to get a hotel room in the Grand (you know, the "nicest hotel there,"), but they were booked. So we called around and found out that EVERY god damn hotel was AT LEAST $105 a night. What a rip!At that point, we were pissed. They don't even charge that much in Vegas and we were in the middle of COTTON FIELDS with a bunch of inbreds and they were tryign to charge me $105. F that!

Being a Vegas regular, I had an idea. I have gotten free hotel rooms in Vegas before, just by talking to someone important in the Casino. I didn't think it would work in these parts, with all these religious folks, but I thought it was worth a try.

So, we went into Ballys. I walked up to the pit boss and asked who the man in charge was, he pointed me to a young looking guy on the casino floor. We walked over to him, I told him that we got in a fight with our friends that we were suppose to stay at the Grand with, and that in Vegas, (shitty) hotels don't cost $105, and that I didn't feel
like paying $105 for a hotel.

BINGO. It worked. He said, ok. So he comped us a room! We didn't have to pay a penny! A good end to a funny night.

Sunday morning we wake up, check out the cotton fields, and the "BEST resturant in Tunica," - the Blue and White Cafe. I had fried green tomatoes for breakfast, then we headed home. On the way home, we stopped at THE BIBLE OUTLET STORE, no joke, where I spent $19.

I just felt like I had to get some God Gear, since I am in the Bible Belt. I got a CD that reminds me of "God's greatest hits," a video on having sex when you are Christian, some wristbands that read, "GOD'S WORD, SOAK IT UP" (one for me, and one for Tara out of appreciation for introducing me to the Bible Belt), a Berkeley style God bookmark, some postcards that read and pictured a girl just likeme with the slogan, "FASHIONED BY GOD," and some other hot items, all for $19 BUCKS. What a steal, huh?

Now, there is nothing wrong with religion, my family is religious (some of them), but I just don't get the whole concept of making God into this cool, hip thing to get into, when really he is just plain old GOD and nothing more.

"To top off our experiene at the outlet stores, Tara was wearing a Bucksnort, Tennessee t-shirt (which reads on the back- " THE LEGEND OF BUCKSNORT- There once was a man named Buck, legend has it, he used to make moonshine. People started to say they were going to Bucks' to get a snort, hence the name Bucksnort." So this mullet-clad hot rod with his girlfriend who needed Extreme Makeover (not the regular one, the plastic surgery addition), came up to Tara and said, "you ain't from Bucksnort, is ya? I was gonna ask if you know some people, I know some people there."

Tara said "no." But, what she was really thinking (she told me later) was, "shouldn't the 5 of you know each other." Bucksnort is one of those places, you gotta see to believe, and yeah, don't worry friends, I have my own Bucksnort t-shirt.

I have lots more good stories, like for example- Tara's friends (married of course) who we went out with the other night went to a John Deere Wedding here, yeah the bridesmaids were all in green and they drove down the aisle in tractors. I'm in.

Write back if you have time! Wish you all were in Tennesse to experience the fun and the mullets with me (I saw the best mullet EVER the other day in court on a meth maker- it was long and slingy.). HAve a good 4th! We will be in "Destin, Florida, where there were 2 shark attacks (resulting in one death and 1 lost leg) this week. No snorkeling for us, but should be fun!

PS- Please respond if u have time and tell me if U think we look like
prostitutes. Also, when you scroll down to the bottom of the email and
check OUT Dusty, keep in mind that you are NOT really getting the full
effect without a full body picture where you would be able to see his

Posted by bjmorris14 11:12 Comments (0)

Summer in Tennesse - Entry 4 Toiletpaper salesman

Steve, the Toilet Paper salesman


It all started Friday when we went to a Diamond Jaxx baseball game (a AA team) after work with the Judge. Now, the Judge is a real play it safe kind of guy. After Bill Clinton, he refuses to take his female interns out to lunch or be seen alone with them. Well, the baseball game was quite a riot.
We had the pleasure of meeting some of the Judge's friends, including Steve. Judge introduced Tara and I as his legal staff. Steve responded by saying, "I'd like to see your illegal staff." Steve was about 450 pounds, and quite a looker. Steve was making fun of Judge asking what his hiring criteria was and Judge said he had never seen either of us before he hired us (which is true). Steve and Judge are a part of a lunch group that has been meeting every day for the last 30 years, Steve was trying to invite us and Judge said heck no, because we have a professional relationship and friends like Steve could ruin that.
At the end of the game, I asked Steve, "so what do you do." He replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman." I thought he was kidding, but that was no joke. Apparently his toilet paper is recycled and it is so rough that Steve said, "even my wife won't use it."
We were sitting two rows behind the dugout. Judge said we would have had seats in the first row but they were taken (the season tickets) by a woman who Judge said had been "really generous" to a baseball player who had traveled through town- so she was in the front row with all of their kids (who were half Dominican). They were giving
out Camo hats, and don't you worry, we got one.
Judge kept telling us which of the baseball players were checking us out and he was hollering out at them, it was quite funny. He was also giving us advice on which ones had millions and which were losers. They threw us two baseballs and that was the first baseball I had ever caught at a game...

The next story I have to write about SHOULD top the charts, but I will wait til later to tell the story. Here is the title and I will attach a picture of Dusty so you can just think about him in advance in contemplation of a GREAT story... Any guesses of the story are welcome...


Posted by bjmorris14 11:08 Comments (0)

(Entries 36 - 40 of 50) « Page .. 3 4 5 6 7 [8] 9 10 »