DUSTY, the Viagra Salesman. If I could only use one phrase to describe my Mississippi experience, I think it would be- you dust em Dusty!
Last Saturday was quite an interesting time. I started my morning with a kind of getting to know you session with none other- than my favorite peeps in the streets- THE AMISH. That's right friends, we got up Saturday morning, and went to the Farmer's Market here in Jackson where I almost had a heart attack when I got to see the Amish, live and in action, selling cow's milk and other dairy products straight from the cow's utters. I was so excited about their fresh milk, ice cream, cheese and jam, I think I spent more money at their stand than they had seen all day. Even the plain 2% milk was SOOOO good! I had never had milk in glass bottles before. I also bought some green tomatoes because I had always wanted to try them.
We spent all Saturday hangin at the house and getting ready for one big night out in MISSISSIPPI. We were headed towards Tunica, Mississippi. All I have to say about Tunica is that VEGAS IS VEGAS, and NO imitations should be accepted. When I went to the website and heard the song that went "The Best Time of Your Life, Is Waiting For You IN Tunica, Baby Tunica...." I should have known right then and there. But no, I trusted the ads. I thought that since Tunica claimed to be the 3rd largest gaming place in the country, that it would at least be fun.
Well folks, I'm lucky I can have fun ANYWHERE (even in the library, that's why I'm in law school), and so Tunica did not turn out SO bad, BUT I should have known when someone told us that it was LITERALLY in the middle of cotton fields and that it used to be the 3rd poorest city in a REALLY SHITTY state (and I mean that, Tennessee is cool and all, but I can't say the same about Mississippi).
So, thinking we were headed to a Vegas-esque place, Tara and I get dressed up, and drive to Tunica. The moment we stepped into what was supposedly THE BEST CASINO THERE, I mean ask anyone in Jackson and they will tell you its REALLY NICE. BULLSHIT! Needless to say, we weren't exactly in the Bellagio.
Basically, Tunica is SUCH a classy establishment, that Tara and I, being the only cute girls in the entire city (meaning, neither of us have parents that were related and we don't look inbred), everyone there thought we were prostitutes. No joke.
At first it was kind of funny, all these old men with bellies down to their knees, trying to strike a conversation. The best part is that when they would finally get around to asking us what we do and I said, "Tara is a lawyer, and I'm a law student," they would leave us alone.
I mean EVERYONE was starring at us. Tara and I in Tunica was basically the equivalent of putting an inbred redneck with a mullet in the high rollers room at the Bellagio, and observing people's reactions.
So, after eating dinner, we hit the tables. At least I could play Blackjack, even if everyone thought I was just doing it to get closer to the hotrods who thought they could take me home. After awhile, things started to get a little regular, that is until my knight in shining armor (yeah, TEVAS and all) came along...
DON"T worry, I added the pic of us with Dusty again in case you forgot what he looks like!!! (Joey if u are reading this, I WISH you were there, Dusty was RIGHT up your alley- I wanted to give him your digits, but "I didn't have time...)
DUSTY! duh da na nuh! His presence requires bells, even if they are just over the internet. So, Dusty is someone that a fellow Berkeley High student of mine would say "GOT GAME!!!" He came up to us at the tables, Tevas on feet, and more $100 chips than anyone in the entire casino. Dusty was about our age and what you might call- socially challenged.
His game began when he started talking to us, almost shaking the entire time. And I talked back, not because I thought he was cool, but because I was bored out of my mind and he looked entertaining. He started off by telling us how much money he made (a lot), that he drives a Corvette, that his Dad is a Cardiologist AND a dentist (so he
has one up on my Dad), and that he flew there on an airplane. WOW!!!!
I just kept thinking to myself- You have ALL THAT JAZZ and you are STILL WEARING TEVAS and in need of some SERIOUS plastic surgery & Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. But hey, we didn't have anything else to do or anyone else to talk to.
After he kept going on about his salary, I asked what he did. He said, "I knew you were going to ask that." Yeah, you idiot. You spend 10 minutes telling us how loaded u are and you think we aren't going to ask what you do.
"I sell Viagra." Ok, cool. Is this like the hairclub for men, where the commercial says, "I'm not only the president, but I'm also a client." Apparently Dusty's fam has accumulated lots of money in the Viagra company, and they want Dusty to take over one day. Talk about family connections, huh?
Then after awhile I wasn't winning money, and Dusty was really enjoying our company. I told him I didn't know how to play craps, but I wanted to learn how. So, Dusty said he would teach us how to play craps (perfect because I
wanted to learn how to play, but couldn't exactly afford the fast paced nature of the game with the amount of money I had)- so he did. And man did he look happy standing with us. Things were cool until I rolled the dice and he kept calling me BABY. It was so funny, I just laughed.
Things were getting real steamy in the casino (just kidding) when Dusty's Dad came to save the day. Apparently, the entire casino was not alone in thinking we were prostitutes, Dusty's father must have thought the same because he came up to us and said, "I'm Dusty's father. Is there a problem, do you girls need something."
No BUSTER, sorry that we happen to be the only cute girls in the entire city, we thought we were coming someplace nice so we dressed nice, and as a LAST resort, we are talking to your son because he's so pathetic that its amusing and we've always wanted to learn how to play craps on someone else's tab. JEZ, is that too much to ask for?
So, that was the end of our time with Dusty. 2 Things that made me mad about being cut off from Dusty were (1) He was suppose to take us to an electronics convention in the hotel where he was going to use all his gambling points to buy us some GEAR and (2) The only bad part about it is that I had lost $50 earlier playing Blackjack, and when Dusty offered to give me money (literally just for talking to him in the casino I guess cause he was so lame), I said no thanks. Now I'm wondering why I didn't just take it. I mean, everyone thought that we were prostiutes anyways. I might as well just have gotten some "money for nothin..." But don't worry, that came later.
After Dusty's Dad cut us off, we tried to get a hotel room in the Grand (you know, the "nicest hotel there,"), but they were booked. So we called around and found out that EVERY god damn hotel was AT LEAST $105 a night. What a rip!At that point, we were pissed. They don't even charge that much in Vegas and we were in the middle of COTTON FIELDS with a bunch of inbreds and they were tryign to charge me $105. F that!
Being a Vegas regular, I had an idea. I have gotten free hotel rooms in Vegas before, just by talking to someone important in the Casino. I didn't think it would work in these parts, with all these religious folks, but I thought it was worth a try.
So, we went into Ballys. I walked up to the pit boss and asked who the man in charge was, he pointed me to a young looking guy on the casino floor. We walked over to him, I told him that we got in a fight with our friends that we were suppose to stay at the Grand with, and that in Vegas, (shitty) hotels don't cost $105, and that I didn't feel
like paying $105 for a hotel.
BINGO. It worked. He said, ok. So he comped us a room! We didn't have to pay a penny! A good end to a funny night.
Sunday morning we wake up, check out the cotton fields, and the "BEST resturant in Tunica," - the Blue and White Cafe. I had fried green tomatoes for breakfast, then we headed home. On the way home, we stopped at THE BIBLE OUTLET STORE, no joke, where I spent $19.
I just felt like I had to get some God Gear, since I am in the Bible Belt. I got a CD that reminds me of "God's greatest hits," a video on having sex when you are Christian, some wristbands that read, "GOD'S WORD, SOAK IT UP" (one for me, and one for Tara out of appreciation for introducing me to the Bible Belt), a Berkeley style God bookmark, some postcards that read and pictured a girl just likeme with the slogan, "FASHIONED BY GOD," and some other hot items, all for $19 BUCKS. What a steal, huh?
Now, there is nothing wrong with religion, my family is religious (some of them), but I just don't get the whole concept of making God into this cool, hip thing to get into, when really he is just plain old GOD and nothing more.
"To top off our experiene at the outlet stores, Tara was wearing a Bucksnort, Tennessee t-shirt (which reads on the back- " THE LEGEND OF BUCKSNORT- There once was a man named Buck, legend has it, he used to make moonshine. People started to say they were going to Bucks' to get a snort, hence the name Bucksnort." So this mullet-clad hot rod with his girlfriend who needed Extreme Makeover (not the regular one, the plastic surgery addition), came up to Tara and said, "you ain't from Bucksnort, is ya? I was gonna ask if you know some people, I know some people there."
Tara said "no." But, what she was really thinking (she told me later) was, "shouldn't the 5 of you know each other." Bucksnort is one of those places, you gotta see to believe, and yeah, don't worry friends, I have my own Bucksnort t-shirt.
I have lots more good stories, like for example- Tara's friends (married of course) who we went out with the other night went to a John Deere Wedding here, yeah the bridesmaids were all in green and they drove down the aisle in tractors. I'm in.
Write back if you have time! Wish you all were in Tennesse to experience the fun and the mullets with me (I saw the best mullet EVER the other day in court on a meth maker- it was long and slingy.). HAve a good 4th! We will be in "Destin, Florida, where there were 2 shark attacks (resulting in one death and 1 lost leg) this week. No snorkeling for us, but should be fun!
PS- Please respond if u have time and tell me if U think we look like
prostitutes. Also, when you scroll down to the bottom of the email and
check OUT Dusty, keep in mind that you are NOT really getting the full
effect without a full body picture where you would be able to see his
SEXY TOES IN THOSE TEVAS!